Change

I left this site still for months when I was still at home. I had just passed another uneventful spring festival and before that had ended my tramp-like roaming in 2020. 2020 was mixed year and is far-reaching for me. For several times I had tried to write something about it, but words stuck before they could come out. I am still digesting it and also have to move on. Besides, I want to write about 前薛往事。Quite a dramatic title, right?But life was more than dramatic. I may put up some excerpts I have finished here in this site.

Back at home a few months ago, I determined to write only in my Huge Document and poured my true thoughts in it. So far the number of words reached nearly ten thousand. I was trying to think and feel, without external gaze.

It worked. I did comb my thoughts and entered a more philosophical state of mind which I had never touched upon in my life. I could not attribute such change to anything. That way I would be putting it in some language while such “experience” defied language. So I came to realization: where language vanished, moves may come in.

And I realized it takes the Buddha’s enlightenment to live an ordinary life.

In my Huge Document, I explored Routine, Language and Move, Meditation and Sincerity.

Kapil Gupta became my most indescribable thought resource. I did mention his name to some friends (my only ones) but knew that I should not “recommend” him too much. I would have wasted my time reading and listening to him if I had done so.

I also read about nearly 40 books through and after my 2020 roaming. Looking back, they are invaluable. There is no “promised land”, though. If one reads books knowing they are “valuable”, then books will not seem valauble to oneself.

I always feel night is too short. At this moment, I will force myself to leave the table and hit the bed. This is life.

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