Journal of Late

April 9, 2021

Haven’t been here for a while. All right, three months, to be exact. The reason for this is because, earlier in this year, I decided I must splash the ink first on my draft without feeling held back by potential external gaze that could not be less spare though.

But I did pull out something within these several months. I built a Huge Document and whenever I felt the urge to write anything I pour them into the HD. So far I’ve amassed nearly 80 thousands words in there. However, quantity counts nothing; the real meaningful thing from this HD is that I realized what a difference that could be made once I had emancipated myself from being too conscious. Like living in other’s mind and opinions, a pathetic trap most would never escape their whole lives.

The last development I had for Roverblood blog site is that I finished the last piece in the South Roaming Series. I was trying to pull out as many words as possible within about one hour, the limit of my attention span for writing in English. Now as I am about to pick up the writing here I wanna go deeper for personal writing. I wanna record the moments that really shake off or up my outlook on the world or that send a flurry of excitement through my body. For more than once, I felt such moments. And I’ve been so far in this life too suspicious to be convinced by anything, be it thoughts, ideologies or tender emotions. I’ve been so skeptical of anything. But now I felt there is a difference and it alone is worth recording.

Dozens of minutes ago, this statement entered my mind: a so-called settled life can only be when one finds or becomes oneself.

When I thought as such, there was no any famous quote or any line from any book crossing my mind. Or, it could be put like this that the statement just came to me and I immediately acknowledge it without characteristic indecision.

Then I developed the statement in a set of Q&As.

-If “a so-called settled life can only be when one finds or becomes oneself”, then how can one finds or becomes oneself?

-To spontaneously embark on a journey. This, I could establish with the experience from South Roaming last year and I find this concur with Kapil Gupta’s “destination decides the journey” and The Least Path of Resistance.

-So How is the destination determined?

Constant self-examination in quiet times for oneself. For the time being, I can’t produce any other reply better than this.

–Then I got another trickier question.

-Doesn’t the formation of a destination itself require time?

The answer is yes, it does. Then it beg another question.

-What if this destination formation time exceeds… one’s expectation and existing time frame?

-This is more fear than a question. True.

In the worst-case scenario, one may spend the whole life forming one’s destination… the bad news is that once one realizes this, one may lapse into inner conflicts and get stuck… the good news might be that when one really spends the whole life forming one’s destination, one will be already upon a lifetime journey. However, there is no promised land and after all it is oneself who will be left with value judgement for one’s time spent.

The above is itself an examination but has not reached true understanding concerning THE journey to be stepped upon. I seem able to sense the box I am in but just haven’t yet to touch its borders. The true understand lies there, I am a bit sure now.

April 11, 2021

Singer at the crossroads

April 12, 2021

Li called in. We rambled 40mins about our recent going-on. He said he had been in relationship for about a month, but just felt it normal, nothing reeking of youthful passion. He was preparing for an army position exam, the third try. If he passed it, he would ask for the girl’s willingness to go with him. Once rejected, he would go himself and break up with her. “Sure thing,” I replied. I was not quite interested in such sort of thing, but just again felt “see, another fast food relationship”. However, it should not register too much my attention. Li also told me some mild office politics that he had experienced. I replied accordingly, and still there was nothing fresh for subjects like this. Still, I thought talking with Li was fine as it brought me a living person’s voice. I have never been a social animal, but rambling with an old acquaintance was not bad.

These days, or weeks to be more exact, Kapil Gupta’s words have been turning in my mind. So are the lines from The Least Path of Resistance. The way normal people live amounts to nothing more than torment: to settle with less-than, to tyrannize our deep inner voice for freedom and reaching their full potential. Kapil keeps saying that freedom is the freedom from mind; all conflicts are inner conflicts. Since I first listened to Kapil, I’ve been feeling more convinced by his point.

If, if we really respond sincerely to what we want to do at any moment, we will be free. The reality, however, as we all live in, is squarely the opposite. Culture and social conditioning are surely to take blame for this. Ironically, in reality, they are worshiped invisibly or imparted either through social norms and institutions or by osmosis. Finally, they bounded all of us. But…but what can really binds us is only mind.

I was just about to type the word “time” for the last word above, but switched to “mind”. At the moment, I felt the notion “what can really binds us is only mind” hasn’t taken root in my heart. I painfully realized it, but can only put myself at ease now.

I thought a lot about what I called structural pathways and Foundation and Roaming, but mostly to no avail. Perhaps the time has not ripened yet to say the least. I think I should stick to my routine as regards workout and language. However, what bothers me is that if I am not so determined in terms of so-called grand schemes, my routine even has a hard time being deepened.

I tried to imagine what if I have had been on track, earning some money monthly and not feeling fucked up much by so-called modern urban life, would that add to my figuring out my future plans? Would I be able to crack the ropes of meaningfulness and the sense of security?

Probably still no. But… but, of course, I might feel better than this stage in some aspect in the first days or weeks. Seems also a bleak prospect.

It just occurred to me that what I really don’t want is: after a few years on track, feeling good, I found myself against the wall, one even thicker and unassailable than before. It would be even more pathetic than muddling through the years without feeling good. It is like riding an roller coaster. Nope. It does no good.

That’s why I kept thinking about structural pathways and Foundation. They seem impossible for now, though. Shit.

A desire I entertain, which might qualify as “strong”, is to be really excelling in the English language, in terms of Ch-Eng mutual transfer and English writing. I have no much concept for the latter, but I intend it to be something fictional… or I can really produce master class writing… I am not sure really. All of this sounds too abstract and elusive now.

End now.

April 13, 2021

Another day passed. I think life must aim for something powerful, not over anyone or anything else, but so in returning to one’s nature. A journey of returning to becoming oneself.

May 3, 2021

Had a fulfilling dinner. Scrambled eggs with tomatoes in stewed noodles. I had decided from the other day that cooking scrambled eggs and tomatoes first and then putting them into boiled noodles make a more appetizing meal. While bent over my little wok which I took as my bowl, I heard my landlord grandma and the tenant next door chatted about some family trivialities. I felt years ago that when your are absorbed with something, surrounding noises even became a screen for you. You’re no longer bothered by them, but more willing to be submerged in your world, knowing you may return to your surroundings once you got something done.

Yesterday, I set out to read anything that could move me with life aspirations or strength. I felt such things in some works of Jack London and Hemingway and decided that I should read all their works. I thought that if once could even produce anything that moves oneself or beyond, one must first read as much as possible that moves oneself. What I mean life aspirations or strength here must be a quite ambiguous concept, but the feeling they produced in my life is clear-cut.

I always remember the flickering candle flame when I was reading Robinson Crusoe almost a decade ago. What I try to seek is a vaster world like and beyond Robinson Crusoe to me then.

I also read Jiannan Qian, a woman writer from Shanghai. It’s not easy to write bilingually. I read quite a few works this morning, and saw the efforts of Qian as a writer. She was trying to create “the feeling”, but still flawed in terms of depth and timing. I am not criticizing her and I am in no position to do so. I try to observe, understand and feel her writing from a perspective of a possible writer. This has made a big difference for me.

To make such reading last, I’d better take it first as entertainment and not overstretch myself physically.

As for writing, I want to first record what I called Story around QianXue, 前薛往事 in Chinese, a name that distances writing a bit from reality.

May 13, 2021

Read a post by a NGO-like org. Mapingguan voluntary teaching assistance, roughly about launching activities that help the all-round development of local students. Personality transformation. Again, this word popped up. I felt the urge to be part of it, for the first time. Remember this moment.

May 14, 2021

Sapping days lately. Last night, home from work on the sky bridge, I felt void of a sense of value, as always. What’s next? I always find such planning or even fantasy hard. To put it simply, it’s not easy find anything exciting.

Boxing? Motorcycling? Workout? All are good and yet all have to be painfully delayed.

Without 100% input, there will never be fulfilling life.

This weekend I shall go find Xiaohong and treat him a meal. And reading must be resumed.

But aside from all “must” “should”, the feeling that I cannot overlook is always Least Path of Resistance. Since I landed this Brick-moving by chance, the motivation under pressure is gone because the pressure is gone. This has always been the problem for most.

Prescriptions fall.

I think all boil down to one thing: to find something you can immerse yourself in without being bored, tired or insecure for as long as you can. That means so-called trial and error, right? Sure, but… but how. I mean… not Prescriptive how, but how you can go through the thing first in mind?

And once-for-a -lifetime thing.

What’s the thing, if any, that I must do before death?

I will say RTW, in an enriched and unique manner.  

Another problem. If 8 hour sleep is to be ensured, I must find something fulfilling before sleep. People binge-watch videos for the same purpose but invariably failed. Then it’s about Night Going.

Here I shall stretch imagination a bit.  Time  Space   

Noon nap failed. PTSD again. Gotta search about it.

Governance based on Goodness arrived. But I wanna a change for its translation. I just thought of getting Xie in, but hesitated over if it’s good to get him in my personal Brick-Moving.

I also thought of interpreting the book. That way I may save a lot time, but I’ll have to do it at home, which will take up my leisure time. Unless I can “speak” very quickly, I have to translate the book as I did. Just checked the text and found it’s impossible to “interpret” it.

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